Friday, July 23, 2010

The "if tom cruise were in charge i would be dead by now" vitamin!!

When you're as highly medicated as I am, you really don't expect to be in bad moods often. After all, hundreds of dollars in prescriptions every year has got to pay for something, right? But not so. Every once in a while I still get down in the dumps for no reason at all. (I said down in the dumps. That's not normal).
note: I just put George Michael's Praying for Time on. It's mood music. It's important to create an atmosphere when you are wallowing.
I don't know how it happens. Everything will be just fine, I'll be sitting there sipping my tea, totally unawares. I don't feel like I'm in a bad mood. But then! Something will come over me, like a thick wool blanket of blah. For a few seconds I will feel hopeless and pathetic - something I carried around with me perpetually before discovering Wellbutrin and Celexa. It only lasts a few moments. And in those few moments I am taken back to a place I have actually begun to forget. But it clearly likes to remind me.
So! In the spirit of these moments of darkness that sneak up on me, I am going to give a bit of a tutorial. (Purely satirical.)

Today we are going to discuss making the most of your clinical depression. A step-by-step guide.
If you are on anti-depressants, stop taking them. You will feel awful, and then worse. And then you'll feel like a dead person. This is all part of the process.
The first thing you need to do is completely isolate yourself. Stop checking your e-mail, ignore all your phone calls, come up with reasons to start hating your friends. A few good reasons to start hating your friends might include the following: they are kind of assholes. They don't worship your child, the heartless fucks. They don't buy you enough presents. They don't cuddle. Et cetera.
Don't blog, don't keep a journal, don't talk about your feelings; whatever you do, you have to keep it inside to fester like a rotten piece of flesh. Don't have any friends, you say? Good. You're already half way there.
The next step - and possibly the most imperative of all steps - drink. Drink a lot. If you're angry at the world, drink whatever makes you black out. For me, the choice has always been Jack. When depression had me in its clutches, Jack would cradle me and make me think of real smart ass comments to say to everyone. Jack would never judge. Whenever I said something particularly vicious, Jack would high-five me. BUT when I am feeling particularly classy I will drink a bottle or two of wine all by myself and I'll wear red lipstick the whole time, while I cry. When I reapply it, I will get it all over my teeth and not give a shit. If I'm feeling like Delta Burke I will drink martinis and send people hate mail while wearing shoulder pads. It really depends on the kind of depression you're experiencing.
The next thing you have to do is start a fight with your spouse. I have found that spending money is a good way to get this one crossed off the list. Buy something totally stupid and frivolous - like meth! Or maybe you could accuse him of not being understanding of your needs, and reduce him to tears. The harder he tries to please you, the more upset you could get. Keep saying "you don't get it!" Sometimes it's nice to spread the misery around. It's not always about you, you know.
Get your hate on at Wal-mart. 99% of the people that shop at Wal-mart are fucking assholes. Everyone except for you and maybe 1 or 2 other people (that's a generous estimation). Find one of those families that are taking up an entire aisle arguing about something stupid, like back-to-school supplies. Get behind them and huff loudly. Tap your foot impatiently. Throw your hands up as if to say "these fucking guys!"; maybe other people in the aisle will identify with you. That will be a welcome human connection. The family will either be rude to you (thereby validating your hate for them) or they will feel like assholes and move (which will make you feel victorious). You see, in these scenarios you really can't lose.
Go home and eat an entire family-sized bag of two-bite brownies. Then call yourself a lard ass and punch yourself in the thighs.
Sleep on the couch, and stay awake waiting for your spouse to get up and beg you to come to bed and cuddle. When you hear him snoring, go into the bedroom and start freaking out because he fell asleep when you were in need. If he says "you said to leave you alone!" just tell him that he doesn't know you at all, because if he did know you at all, he would know that you were playing the opposite game.

That's all the advice I have for now! I hope your wallowing is everything you hope for and more. When it's all over, send apologies to everyone via text message. If they don't forgive you just send them an e-mail calling them fat assholes or something. That will make you feel better.

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