Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Rules for Mike.

Unspoken rules are the glue of any relationship.
For instance, it's a rule that men will think about sex all day, every day, in every and all situations, and many times you will not make cameos in his fantasies.  Which is fine.  But if Mike admitted this to me, he would be fantasizing his way all the way to a homeless shelter with a black eye.  But that's just men.  They're filthy.  Everybody knows it.
The set of rules that go along with being with me every day are actually kind of amusing.  I spent all day yesterday recognizing my high-maintenance tendencies and jotting them down so that I could share them with internet-world this morning.

  • I may rub you with my bare feet all I want.  But if you so much as touch me with your dis-coloured, fungus-ridden toe nails I will punch you in your sleep.
  • I may snore.  But you will have to wake up and switch to sleeping on your stomach when your snoring wakes me up.
  • You will call and order the pizza.  I will never call and order the pizza.  
  • I will walk by and you will try to smack my bum.  and any time I don't manage to avoid your sexual harassment, I will give you a wet willy when you're least expecting it.
  • I may complain about anything, everything, cry and agonize and you will hold me and bring me chocolate.  You may only complain sarcastically.  And then I will assume everything is fine.  My mental stability is much more questionable than yours is, darling.
  • I will pick the movie.  All the movies you like are shitty.
  • Whenever I want to make an unnecessary purchase just to make myself happy, you can't say anything.  You have to let me regret it myself, later.  This will happen, so just trust the process.

join us