Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Some Thoughts.

I have a very difficult time making use of the universe and its ability to shower me with everything I want or need.  And I do believe that positive thinking and sheer will of the mind can accomplish almost anything.  I believe that good people get what they deserve in the world and I believe that if you clear your mind the universe will fill it with your destiny.
But at the same time, happiness exists in me only in moments.  I don't consider the life I have lived a particularly happy one, because I've never been a particularly happy person.  I know what might have been, had I been able to quiet my mind and keep moving forward, but I harbour regrets surrounding the poor choices I've made in my life that I made in a moment of either happiness, or utter despair.  And it's like no matter how hard I try to be find my destiny - realize my dreams, become who I'm supposed to be, where I'm meant to be - I stop short because my brain just doesn't work the way it's supposed to.  I'm not making excuses for myself.  In fact, I feel like I am finally coming to terms with the fact that I'm just not that person.
As much as I wish I were a world traveller, an artist, a writer, a social butterfly with a million friends and a job that reflects who I really am inside, that just isn't who I am.  I am the person that gets up in the morning and can't force herself out the door to go to school because all I can stand is laying in my bed, under the covers, crying for days (true story).  I can't keep a job for any real length of time because I make a spectacle of myself or just can't bring myself to be around anybody anymore.  And then I wallow.  And then it passes.  And then I feel like I can finally attack my future and make something magnificent of my life.  And then it doesn't happen because my brain fills up with darkness and I just can't carry on.  One minute, I am filled with potential, I'm inspiring, I know what I want and I go after it. And the next minute I abandon it all out of self-doubt and social anxiety.  This has happened so many times that I really just want to give up on that dream - the very simple dream of being happy and in control of my life.  The feeling that everyone I have ever admired has managed to avoid entirely.

My heart breaks for myself when I fall into these ruts.  I feel sorry for myself, I do.  And I really do feel like I just don't have the ability to live my life anymore.  I can't manage it, I can't make it work, I just can't be happy.  I feel like I will always have a sad life that has been peppered with wild happiness that I just can't describe, and that I just can't hold on to no matter how hard I cling to it.  My happiness drifts away like a dream does when you try to remember the details.
I have a great life.  I have a partner in life who loves me for what I am and wants to spend his life with me, regardless of the pain in the ass that I can be.  I have a beautiful son who is healthy and thriving in every aspect.  I have food in my fridge and I am not too terrible to look at.  I have my health, I have an income, I have support from everyone I love, and I was loved by my parents all my life.  I have nothing to be sad about.  It's the most incredible thing: the harder I try to succeed in life and be happy every day, the harder I fall to pieces and the longer it takes to recover.  It's an endless cycle and I just want to be like everyone else.  Is that too much to ask?

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