I have a very difficult time making use of the universe and its ability to shower me with everything I want or need. And I do believe that positive thinking and sheer will of the mind can accomplish almost anything. I believe that good people get what they deserve in the world and I believe that if you clear your mind the universe will fill it with your destiny.
But at the same time, happiness exists in me only in moments. I don't consider the life I have lived a particularly happy one, because I've never been a particularly happy person. I know what might have been, had I been able to quiet my mind and keep moving forward, but I harbour regrets surrounding the poor choices I've made in my life that I made in a moment of either happiness, or utter despair. And it's like no matter how hard I try to be find my destiny - realize my dreams, become who I'm supposed to be, where I'm meant to be - I stop short because my brain just doesn't work the way it's supposed to. I'm not making excuses for myself. In fact, I feel like I am finally coming to terms with the fact that I'm just not that person.
As much as I wish I were a world traveller, an artist, a writer, a social butterfly with a million friends and a job that reflects who I really am inside, that just isn't who I am. I am the person that gets up in the morning and can't force herself out the door to go to school because all I can stand is laying in my bed, under the covers, crying for days (true story). I can't keep a job for any real length of time because I make a spectacle of myself or just can't bring myself to be around anybody anymore. And then I wallow. And then it passes. And then I feel like I can finally attack my future and make something magnificent of my life. And then it doesn't happen because my brain fills up with darkness and I just can't carry on. One minute, I am filled with potential, I'm inspiring, I know what I want and I go after it. And the next minute I abandon it all out of self-doubt and social anxiety. This has happened so many times that I really just want to give up on that dream - the very simple dream of being happy and in control of my life. The feeling that everyone I have ever admired has managed to avoid entirely.
My heart breaks for myself when I fall into these ruts. I feel sorry for myself, I do. And I really do feel like I just don't have the ability to live my life anymore. I can't manage it, I can't make it work, I just can't be happy. I feel like I will always have a sad life that has been peppered with wild happiness that I just can't describe, and that I just can't hold on to no matter how hard I cling to it. My happiness drifts away like a dream does when you try to remember the details.
I have a great life. I have a partner in life who loves me for what I am and wants to spend his life with me, regardless of the pain in the ass that I can be. I have a beautiful son who is healthy and thriving in every aspect. I have food in my fridge and I am not too terrible to look at. I have my health, I have an income, I have support from everyone I love, and I was loved by my parents all my life. I have nothing to be sad about. It's the most incredible thing: the harder I try to succeed in life and be happy every day, the harder I fall to pieces and the longer it takes to recover. It's an endless cycle and I just want to be like everyone else. Is that too much to ask?