Tuesday, April 12, 2011

the beach is which way?

It's 10am...
The birds are outside chirping, the sun is shining in through the window, the baby is in a great mood and I just want to go back to bed.
Fucking hell.

So, I definitely had a social life this past weekend.  I did things.  I forgot my camera, so you might just have to take my word for it.  I was around people.
Sunday, I stayed in my jamjams all day and read poetry and did some painting (some really good stuff, in my opinion - you ought to see my jellyfish...).  And I lost my incredible feeling and it was replaced by a bad feeling.  A dreadful feeling.
People let me down.  People decide all the time that they no longer want me in their lives.  I'm sure it's the same way with everyone, but I feel it so much more.  How many friends have I had that are just no longer there?  How many people have let me down?  Vanished?  Gotten up and left to do something important with their lives?  Or just decide to ignore me forever?  How many relationships just change for no reason at all?
I hate change so much.  I hate surprises.  Where did everyone go?
So even though I had a wonderful, magical weekend... it's the future that worries me.  All we have is now, is what everyone always says.. but that's not true at all.  Now is here and gone so fucking quickly that we never have Now.  It's gone before we can ever even touch it.  All we really have is the future.  That's all we have.  And the future is full of tragedies, joys, worries, new people and situations, lost friends and found friends, mysteries and problems.  More problems.  Always more problems.
I miss everyone who leaves.
But I don't think everyone who leaves misses me.

Must spend some time on the beach this summer.  Must.

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