Warning: this post is about blow jobs so if you don't want to hear about it, don't say I didn't warn you. Dirty blow job literature ahead.
I don't like blow jobs. I don't know who came up with this disturbing sexual act, but fuck them because I really really really hate blow jobs.
Every once in a while, there will be a discussion about blow jobs. Get a bunch of girls together and feed them vodka and inevitably, someone will bring up blow jobs. Someone like me will admit to hating it, and liken 10 minutes of it to Chinese water torture. THEN - and I cannot tell you how many times this exact scenario has played out - some bitch will say "Oh I just love giving my boyfriend blow jobs. I could just suck his dick all day long, bla bla bla"
WHAT? Are you fucking kidding me?
Jesus.
This must be the girl who every boyfriend I've ever had has compared me to. "My ex used to give me blow jobs all the time. She said she loved doing it" and I would usually counter with something like "she's a fucking liar and if you were with her long enough I guarantee that bullshit would not have lasted."
But sure enough. Apparently you women do exist. And you are ruining it for everybody else because you're running around like a porn star, loving to have penises in your mouth all day every day. And loving your chin getting all scratched up by foul-smelling pubic hair and even swallowing, and pretending (and this I know you're pretending) that it tastes like fucking haagen dazs. Screw you.
Sure. We've all fallen in love before and have been blindingly suckered (pun intended) into that first blow job. My mom reads this, by the way. Hi mom. But once you do that one teensy little favour he expects it on a regular basis and when you refuse he will bring up that one time when you seemed "really into it" and you will wish that you took my advice. So please, take my advice. On your first date, just squash it from the get-go and if he doesn't call you ever again, then you will have avoided a potentially painful courtship. It's better to weed them out from the very beginning. If a man expects you to enjoy giving him a blow job, I say blow him off. Hahaha.. sigh.
But in all fairness, we do all kinds of unpleasant things for the people we love. And maybe oral sex is just a part of that. At the very least, make sure he does the dishes or something so you can even the score.
