full circle moments

I'm driving myself mad.
I worry about everything lately.  And when I start to enjoy myself and stop freaking out, when I realize I'm not stressing out over something stupid, I have to get right back to making myself crazy.
Why bother wasting my time hating this Toronto Maple Leafs blanket that covers this ugly couch with the giant rips in the cushions?
Why do I have to stress myself out over grocery shopping?  Groceries are expensive.  Everything in life comes with a price tag.  I'll just stop eating.  I'll save money and lose weight - everybody wins!!!
I'm just kidding, calm down.
That reminds me: I have also been concerning myself with other people's perceptions of me.  Sometimes I think I'm being adorable but then some asshole will make it clear that he thinks I'm an idiot and instead of putting things in perspective (old men who drink in bars all day long, every day, have no right to judge me in any way because they obviously have some problems of their own) I just let everybody get to me.  I've always had a problem with this.  And lately, I've resolved myself to just never speak to these people ever again.  It's working out just fine.  Actually, it's wonderful.  People are so awful.
Why must I worry about my 'wine budget' now that we are buying a house?  Everybody knows a drunk will find a way to support their habit.
I'm totally kidding.  I'm not a drunk.  I'm a wine-o and I don't get out much.  I drink wine for the antioxidants.

Please don't ever take anything I ever say seriously, okay?  Okay.

Anyway, I'll shut up about that.  When I'm jibba-jabbering about nothing on the internet it makes my mind quiet down temporarily.
I used to hate John Malkovich but I'm watching Of Mice and Men right now, and for once he's actually acting.  This is wonderful.  Way to go, John.
This movie is almost 20 years old.  What the fuck have you done of merit lately, John?
Gary Sinese.  Now he's an actor.  He's also in Of Mice and Men, if you haven't seen it.  Why the hell is Gary stuck in a ridiculously crappy CSI spinoff while John fucking Malkovich enjoys the fame and recognition that he doesn't even deserve, which rightfully should be Gary Sinese's?
These are just the thoughts that go through my head when I watch terrible films and get to contemplating all of the injustices of the world.
And then I start stressing myself out again.  Everything comes full circle!

This movie kind of sucks.  The book was much better.  Steinbeck rocks my world.

I just overshared again, didn't I?

to the haters:

Look.  This is my blog and this is where I write whatever I want to write and you guys read it.  And most of you like it!  I'm happy that I inspire others and make them laugh and I am honoured that people read it every day.

That being said, if you see something on my blog that you don't like you can always e-mail me with your issue, and we can deal with it like adults.  I further want to add I never drop first and last names in my blog for privacy reasons - so that no one can get offended if I write about them.

Now, some of my readers are friends with this evil, disgusting waste of life that I am unfortunately related to.  She's a nutcase and she posts a million comments in my blog pretending to be other people.  She's a crazy psychopath war machine and that's why I don't communicate with her.  She makes me sick, and she makes a lot of other people sick too, but they don't tell her that because they are terrified of her.  But I am not.  I know her type and I learned how to deal with them when I was 16.  If you are silly enough to be in this specific person's life - that's your problem.  Keep your dog on a leash and stay the fuck off my blog if you don't like what it says.  I don't value the opinion of this moronic child but if YOU do, then you listen to her all you want.

This blog isn't here to start family feuds.  It isn't here for you to all get together and gossip about me.  It's here for me and the readers who love to read it.  So if you have come here with ill-intentions and rude shit to say, you can go and fuck yourself because you're never going to ruin my day.  No matter how hard you try.

PS I know who you are and I would block you from this blog if I wanted to but all your hatred has done is bring in more readers.  So Thank you for that.  And get lost.

To my valued readers: I love you and I hope you keep reading my blog.  You guys have inspired me and you have been good to me and I intend on returning the favour.  I HAVE READERS IN MALAYSIA WHAT WHAT!  Yeah.  I'm popular.

Domestic Bliss

Mike and I have a great relationship.  It's boring.  Good relationships are always boring.  The exciting ones are always bad.  I've had lots of exciting relationships, so I am so happy to be in a boring one.  I'm good here.
That being said, he and I don't quite agree on everything.
One thing in particular that stands out is our differences in housekeeping.
Clutter and I have split for good.  Some clutter is fine (books stacked to the ceiling is good.  Dusty porcelain trinkets, screwdrivers strewn about and 80 coffee mugs spilling out of cupboards is not).
One thing we disagree on is saving plastic bags.  Before I cleaned the shit out of the kitchen, there were hundreds stuffed under the counter.  They just kept collecting and we always forgot to bring our reusable bags to the grocery store so they pile up and go nowhere.  BAH!  I hate plastic bags.  They have no place in my home.  I fucking hate the things.
Mike, of course, loves to hoard the plastic bags with the belief in mind that they are actually good for something.
He also refuses to throw out old ratty clothing.  I wish I could show you a picture of these disgusting flannel pajama pants that I finally snuck into the trash after Christmas.  They had such a big hole in the crotch that he couldn't wear them around anybody.  But he refused to get rid of them.  For so long.  Even after I bought him nice, new, cotton ones.  Right now we are disagreeing over old karate pants from GOD KNOWS WHEN and these bulky, ugly, stupid brown sweat pants that make up half a load of laundry in themselves.  They're from old navy and I've been dying to burn them for months now.
In addition to keeping this crap around to wear, he even wants to keep the genuinely-no-good-anymore-should-be-thrown-out-immediately work t-shirts that he destroys.
He wants to use them as RAGS, he says.  Rags.
I take issue with this for several reasons.  1 - the word 'rags' reminds me of dirty-faced red headed orphans, who I imagine would be just as likely as I am to throw the fucking things out.  2 - we have puh-lenty of cloths that I keep nice and clean and stacked in the bottom drawer in the kitchen, right beside the stove.  I don't even think Mike has ever even opened this drawer.  3 - Paper towels have eliminated any need to stuff ripped up old filthy t-shirts in the pantry...
Oh, and PS - At least once a week I come across a stash of "Rags" he has decided to hide somewhere, and a big clump of plastic bags keeps finding its way under the counter, shoved behind the cereal.

I feel so much better just getting this all out, honestly.

ANOTHER THING!  His socks.  He leaves them on the floor in the living room all the time.  He has slowly been getting better, I admit, but as I speak there are two bunched up black socks sitting in front of the couch.  But when I confront him about all of these issues he calls me Queen of the Harpies.  

I know what you're thinking.  And my response is: if he hit me back it would really hurt.

Oh, you weren't suggesting that I beat him?

Well neither was I.  Shut up.

the parking vigilante

I know I've totally posted enough for one day but I had to get on here about this before I forgot forever and you all were deprived of Earmark's Etsy Shop.

Mike and I have this parking vigilante thing going on. Well, mostly just me. I don't even drive, but when I see someone double parked, or someone steals the parking space that I (or, well, Mike) was obviously hoping to get into, my blood boils. I want to key some cars. The worst time was on Boxing Day last year when we were driving around the mall parking lot for over 45 minutes (no joke!) and some douchebag in a Hummer (figures) is QUITE LITERALLY taking up 2 and a half spaces. Asshole! Mike had to hold me back because I was 'bout to key the bastard.

So anyway, I found Earmark's etsy shop and I think I have to buy some of these to place gingerly under the wipers of the worst offenders...

Oh yeah. Can I borrow somebody's paypal account?

mum jams: Horchata - Vampire Weekend

Sweat baby Sweat!

* WARNING: If you are easily offended don't bother reading this post. You've been warned.*

As promised, I am now going to unleash a floodgate of opinions that are meant to make you think I'm soulless and also make you feel like an idiot.

I was reading a blog post not long ago that's main message was "sweatshops are bad, don't shop at wal-mart" (I know, so 2002, right?) I thought we were over this after the whole Kathy Lee Gifford debacle, when everyone decided that they hated her but continued to shop at other retailers that employ the dirt poor in third world countries and what not. Phony superiority. Hypocrisy to the enth degree. You know you're all consumer whores, stop acting like you're not.

SO. That was her point. And of course I went ahead and pointed out the following:

• Nobody is forcing anybody to work in a sweatshop.
• The wages they are paid are very competitive! Don't blame Nike, blame that country's government.
• It beats prostituting themselves, which is what an astonishingly high percentage of women in these countries are reduced to.
• Most important point of all: You have no idea what you're talking about. You're privileged and obviously you are the mayor of fantasyland if you think everyone is entitled to your privileged lifestyle. Some people will just never get there. Get over it. Choose another crusade that will convince everyone of your charitable soul.
• This is employment that would otherwise not be available to these women and children. You say these children shouldn't be able to get these jobs but you can just read my previous point and suck on that!
• They need this work, they have this work, and if we stop supporting these corporations they won't have jobs at all. How is that better?

Yes, the world is a terrible place and it would be nice if everyone had a bunch of money and they could compete for higher wages and get a good education and all that, but give your head a shake. That's not reality. We do not live in that world. Unfortunately.

And you know what else kind of pisses me off? The fact that everyone wants to suck Bono's dick for his work with AIDS. If he was all he was cracked up to be he wouldn't be taking money from everyone else when he's rolling in the shit. He may be doing some good, but there are unsung heroes and we are not honouring them when we treat Bono like Mother Theresa. Oh and do you know how much publicity he's gotten since being crowned the King of Generosity? How much money he's got? I think he should dig into those bottomless pockets of his and leave it at that. It just bothers me that he uses charity to further his public image and his career, without ever having to make a significant contribution on his own.

Now, just to cool everyone off a bit and ward off the hate, here is a picture of a really cute puppy:

mum jams: plug in baby - muse