Tuesday, August 3, 2010


So I became a mom one day.
Still not sure when it happened, or how.
But I know that I became one because of the shift in thinking.
I don't think all parents get it, either.  There are a lot of shitty parents.
I think the act of over-thinking it, and the desire to be better every single day, that is what will make us better.

So here we are.  Me and Carter.
We are sitting on this ugly couch in my parents' basement together.  He is refusing to nap.  Rubbing his eyes like crazy.  I was just sitting here in the dark, staring at him.  I was just worrying about the future for him.  Wondering how I'm going to fix all of his problems and make sure nobody ever hurts him.  I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I feel like I have to save him from all of the people.  People are the worst.
Maybe... if he just knows how much I love him he will always be happy - because how could you have any problems when your mother loves you this much?
Of course that's bullshit.

But I just keep thinking that maybe I can love away all of his problems.  I can love him so much that it will lift him up to a higher plane and a superior state of being and he won't have to worry about all those other people hurting him, because he will always know how powerful love can be.
And when you understand how powerful love can be, you stop wasting your time with everybody else and their craziness.

My heart breaks a little bit every time I look at him.  Every time I touch him I feel like I've reached that sacred moment that your entire life leads up to.  I feel like every step I've ever taken was only for him.  I wish I were wiser for him, and I always wonder how I am going to make him strong and gentle, and sweet and smart, and funny and confident.  I am going to make him an absolutely incredible person.  What a privilege we are given when we give life to another person.  What a beautiful fucking responsibility.

I think about dying.  And if it were to happen today, I wonder if Carter would ever know how much I love him at this exact moment, as I stare at him falling asleep, crying all over my keyboard.  If I leave this world, will I be satisfied that I had done everything I could to show him how much I care?  If I'm gone, will anyone ever love him like this again?
He needs to know.

He needs to know that I wanted him.  I kept him.  I carried him inside me for 9 months and I brought him into the world.  I love him more than anybody and I know it.  And if I were gone, he wouldn't ever remember that I once sat beside him as he fell asleep, crying on my keyboard while trying to sort out all of my thoughts, my hopes and dreams - for him.
He needs to know.

I really want my love to save him.  From hurt, heartbreak, loneliness and pain.  I will spend the rest of my life trying.  And if I fail at protecting him from all of life's inevitable disappointments, at least I will always break his fall.  I'll always love him this much.  All I have to do is make sure he knows it.
Even if I am gone one day.  He needs to know it would never be by choice.  I would stay in this moment for all of eternity if I could.  Just watching him sleep in the dark.
He needs to know...


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