Friday, March 18, 2011

Lindsay and Existentialism.

Sometimes I look at the wrinkle that's forming on my forehead and say to myself, "My God.  You're 24 years old.  And you still feel like you're 18", and I do.  I do still feel 18.  And if it weren't for this hideous wrinkle I wouldn't even have had to face this scary reality: I'm not much of an adult at all.  I feel like all the other people are adults, but I am just walking around in disguise as an adult.  I'm just faking it.  But if you look hard enough, it's easy to see that everyone else is just pretending too.
How do you grow up?  I want to know because, in a traditional sense, I really haven't made anything of myself.  Probably because I'm not a very big believer in formal education.  I did the University thing, I did the community college thing, and hated every minute of both.  It was a total waste of time and money.  Try as I might, I couldn't squeeze into that disguise.  A post-secondary education is perfect for some people, but for me it was just an aggravation.  I never felt challenged.  I never made friends.  As far as making it in the world goes - I believe that success depends wholly on personality and outlook on life.
Think about it: why have job interviews?  So that employers can get a feel for who you are and what you're about.  If they like the cut of your jib (so to speak) you're in.  It doesn't really matter what your resume says, but what you respond to their ridiculous questions with (what is your biggest weakness?  'I work way too hard', for example).  I have no patience for this shit.  When you start thinking about things they way they really are, and peel away the layers of collagenous bullshit surrounding every social interaction, it makes you a pessimistic know-it-all.  Like me.  I am famously unemployable.  I don't respond well to authority, I don't take menial tasks very seriously, I don't believe in beating around the bush, pretending to be nice, I don't think customers are ever right, and I don't think anybody should have to waste their life working at a job that they don't completely love.
So.  There.  And potential employers who happen upon this blog: I'm sorry, but there it is.
I have come to realize that I must come up with something.  I have to find some way to make my way in the world (and make money for my family) without having to try to fit into this role that I just can't manage to fit into.  It is a waste of time and resources just trying to make that way of life work for me when it does so clearly not.
When I think of times I was genuinely myself, these times are when I am at my most alone.  I used to buy flowers for myself ($50 bouquets!), I used to spray paint my furniture, I walked dogs just to avoid having to work around other human beings, this is when I thrived.
And at other times in my life, I have felt like the most adult person I know!  Conflicts with family members have brought me to a place of peace and acceptance.  I have apologized for my part in fights and I have lost relationships that I held precious all my life, despite having done nothing to hurt the other person.  What can you do?  I have come to realize that no matter how hard you try, you cannot cling on to a person who has moved on and no longer wants you.  People will outgrow you.  People will change. You're going to lose everyone, at some point, to circumstances you cannot control.  It's sad but it's a very real truth.  I have also learned that apologizing does not mean that you were wrong and the other person was right: not always.  Sometimes it just means that you value your relationship more than they do.  Another sad reality of adult life.
Fuck it - I don't want to be a grown up.

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