Thursday, August 30, 2012

For Owen.

Everything I never got to explain to you, all of the ways that I let you down, for neither of us ever getting to the real truth of things.  I'm sorry for all of that.  There is so much I want to say to you now, and I never will.  Because you're gone, and you did this awful thing to yourself, so I shouldn't feel guilty about it.  But I do.  I feel horribly guilty.  You expected me to make your life better, to save you.  I broke your heart and made your life worse.  I know how you felt about me, and I didn't return those feelings to you because I didn't want to share your life with you.  I wanted you to change everything for me.  I wasn't patient.  When it became evident to me that you were going down and you would take me with you, I dropped you like a sack of wet potatoes instead of standing by you, the way Linda ended up doing.  I'm glad that you found a real love like that.  You deserved it.  You deserved a woman who would stand by you and have your children. 

But your children deserved more of you.  And I'm sure you know that.

There is so much I wish I could say to you.  The last time I saw you, I was driving past and you were on the street, yelling into your cell phone.  Typical Owen.  I said out loud, to Mike, "Well, at least he's not dead yet".
that was a couple of months ago. 
And you're dead now.
And I am filled with feelings of regret and guilt because I know I should never have been involved with you to begin with.  You were expecting too much out of me, I was 19 and very naive.  Too immature to be in that relationship and too straight edge to ever be comfortable in your world.  But I know you loved me.  I know you thought I would save you.  And I let you down.  I'm sorry that I couldn't be what you needed me to be.  I feel like had I stayed with you, you may have lived a longer life.  Or maybe you wouldn't have.  Maybe instead of Linda and her kids, it could have been me and mine.  At that funeral.  Sad and confused.  Had I stayed with you, I never would have discovered the deep and meaningful partnership that I have with Mike.  And I wouldn't have my beautiful boys, who fill my days with emotions ranging from absolute fury to pure giddy delight.  This family is all I ever wanted.  My dream came true.  My dream that was born when I was with you.  I'm sorry that you didn't end up being my prince charming.  I know you tried your best.  I did too, for a long time.  But I am glad to be here, with these kids.  I'm glad you found Linda and got to feel how wonderful being a parent can be.  I'm just so sorry it all ended for you in such a tragic way.  Your death did not befit the kind of man you really were.  You had demons, yes, but you were magnificent when you were sober.  You were funny, generous, kind, smart, patient, and loyal.  How I wish you could have kept it all together.  How I wish I could just have a conversation with you one last time.

But my heart breaks mostly because our children are around the same ages.  And I can't imagine mine losing their father right now.  I'm so sorry you don't get to see them grow up.  They'll never know you.  It's heartbreaking.  This isn't my pain, I have to keep reminding myself.  This is your family's pain now.  And I left you because I never wanted it to be my pain.  But I hurt all over anyway.  I wish you could have just stopped.  You had children, you should have just stopped what you were doing.  You never had a better reason. 

I guess there's nothing left to say.  I'll keep you in my heart.  But I have to let go of the guilt and remember that we both made choices that landed us where we are today.  You are finally at peace now.  And I'm still here, trying to raise my babies to be beautiful men. 

I have loved you, and in some way I always will.  But I am letting go of the guilt now.

Take care... I will always remember Owen the good guy.  VIII

PS. Babycakes is fine, my mother thanks you.

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