anxiety!!!

So.
Maybe I will only ever write posts every third day, since this is the recent pattern, anyway.
Again, this is just the way it happens when you're busy with a baby all day, every day.
Speaking of baby, tomorrow will be my first time ever leaving him for the night.  It will be a long and anxiety-filled 20-something hours without my wee porkchop.  If I think too much about it I start to cry.  Tomorrow I will be a mess.
But, when there's a wedding, you must go.
Thing is, I don't trust anybody with him the way I trust myself with him.  Nobody could ever possibly do it properly because they aren't his mommy. Not to toot my own horn but, he's a big fan of his mommy.  I cuddle just right.
So today I have a couple of things to do before we leave super early tomorrow morning.
I have to wash the sheets
I have to leave some notes for Sherry
I have to make the booboo some cereal and leave it in the fridge
I have to tidy the house up
I have to spend the entire day soaking up baby lovin's.
I have to pack.

I don't want to leave him.  I don't want to leave him.  Oh my God, I do not want to leave him.
There it is.  I started crying.
I can't help but imagine the worst!  Bad shit could happen!  We could get in a car crash!  He could have a miserable time and miss us terribly!  Somebody might drop him!  Or shake him!  Or lose him at a grocery store!  Or leave him on a bus!  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!


I am over-reacting.
But we will be a really long drive away and if anything bad happens I won't be able to rush over to the rescue.  And no matter how hard I try, I just can't shake the feeling that I shouldn't go.  But I am.
Please take good care of my baby while I'm gone :(

big changes in plan

I decided...
because I don't want to plan a wedding and because I don't want to invite people I don't like (which is most people)
we are going to get married at the little place on Lundy's lane in Niagara Falls, the one we drove past in our limo on prom night and I announced I wanted to get married in it.
It seems like the right thing to do.  I want the marriage, not the wedding.
Afterwards, I thought we could just have a big party.  Everybody could bring some food, I could decorate the place the way I want to, and everyone I care about can join us and have a good time to celebrate.
But that's all I want.  And then we can go to Cuba.  Or Cuba before the wedding.  Whatever.
I don't have any interest in being close with extended family members anymore.  And because I won't play favourites, I don't want any of them at my wedding.  This is the best way to keep me from having to plan a frigging wedding, and the only thing that I can imagine not pissing off all of the assholes I refuse to invite.
Does anyone really want haters at their wedding?
My wedding is a privilege, dammit!  You have to work to get that invite!

But the party.  Parties are for everyone.  Parties are fun.

dirty little confession:

Okay it's not that bad. But it is a confession noner the lesser.

I really really don't want to plan a wedding.

I feel weird about it, because I know I should be super excited about centerpieces and cupcakes. I know most women love planning their wedding and even have more than one because they love it so much. Or something. But I really don't want to do it.

See, I spend all of my time either on the internet instead of doing something I actually like doing, like a retard; or with Carter. Doing Carter things. Like cuddling or carrying him around whenever he wants. So after my long boring days of internet and Carter, I sometimes like to go out and spend money. Or read a magazine. Or a book. Maybe I might even one day perhaps paint again. I do want to try water colours...

Anyway the last thing I want to do is take time to go to a place and try on dresses and stress out about money (because we'll never have enough) and crying because nobody is doing it for me.

I love Mike. I love him so much that I don't even care about a wedding. I'd actually rather not bother with the whole affair, to be quite honest. I do want to celebrate getting married and I do want to wear a pretty dress and stuff but I really don't want to give up the very little me time that I have and spend it on doing something as awful as planning a wedding. Am I crazy? If only somebody could just do everything for me. Like a wedding planner that worked for free and didn't bother asking you to do anything, she just reads your mind instead. That is the future!

I don't want to plan a wedding. I just want to elope.

mum jams: fool on the hill - bjork

Save the Date Cards II

So after hours on Seashore (and some pretty impressive skills on my part) I came up with a bunch of suitable save-the-date cards. But, in the interest of saving ink and in keeping things clean and simple, I came up with this guy:

I think it will do just fine.

My only concern is that everyone will phone and ask if it's in july or may. It's in may, just so ya know.

Now, I saved so much money by not buying those packaged make-them-yourself save the date cards that I mentioned in another post and instead I bought some business cards. 250, actually. for like 11 bucks. And I am sticking them to business-card sized magnets, which were like 22 bucks for 100. Kiss my ass, Bridal magazine.

Save the date Cards, or "Lindsay has another meltdown"

So! Our wedding plans change more often than my panties. I mean that. BUT we finally decided to be frugal. We are going to have our wedding and reception where we met - which is where mike's best friend and my cousin had their wedding. AND I have figured out that my colour scheme is going to be brown and pink. Sounds reasonable enough...

But it's not!

Today we went out (I know, I was excited too!) to look for some save-the-date cards. We went to more than a few places. All of the super expensive make-them-yourself invitation kits were crappy silvery gold with ribbons garbage that people with no imagination buy. And they're so expensive because - why? - because Bridal magazine has their name on the top? Women can be so stupid.

Anyway, I didn't find any that I liked, let alone any that I liked that suited the colour scheme I've chosen. So I have to get creative here. I will buy some plain card stock, some fuschia and some chocolate brown, and some cheap embellishments from the dollar store or something and give them a personal touch - maybe handwrite them? I don't know yet. But the final decision was that I am going to be as hands-on with this wedding as I can.

And after the event is over and done with, we are heading to Cuba and inviting all of our closest friends to come along and party on the beach with us and stay drunk for 7 days. Bliss.

Anyway, I keep going off on a tangent. The point I'm trying to get at is that after all of this card hunting, and finding nothing, I was absolutely crestfallen. I was in a bitter mood for a couple of hours afterwards, but then I gave the baby a bath and he cheered me up. But I am so bloody sensitive about everything that I let these frigging pieces of paper send me flying off the backswing. There's a figure of speech I haven't heard in too long.

The moral of the story? I really need to get out more.

calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean...

In other news, the difference between a Harvey's veggie burger and a Harvey's angus burger are completely undetectable to me. This is a very good thing. Booya!

mum jams: Humming Bird - Born Ruffians

wedding inspiration, tra la la la, ya'll!!

Comments? Advice? Ideas?