The House is a Mess.

Why is my blog losing followers?
I'm going to disable the following function, that way my feelings don't have to get hurt all the time by complete strangers.  I hope you're all happy.

So the dogs are driving me fucking nuts.  Well, actually the dogs are really just the beginning.  My parents have been gone for over 2 weeks now.  And the dogs go absolutely apeshit when my mom isn't home.  They don't know what to do with themselves.  They're like a couple of weirdos at a televangelist church.  You probably didn't understand that one, but in my mind it made perfect sense.  They are a couple of televangelists and they can't find Ted Haggard.  They're completely flipping out.  Babycakes, right now, is panting insanely, staring at me and whimpering for no reason I can figure.
They make themselves so sick with worry and stress that they shit and puke on the floor in the middle of the night.  And I have to clean it.
And then there's the brood of boys in the house who are all seemingly incapable of picking up after themselves.  I was resisting at first.  Let them live in their own filth, I said to myself.  But sure enough, things got so bad that I had no choice but to scrape the moldy dishes, wipe every surface with ammonia and wash barf out of carpets (baby and dog).  Plus, Carter began taking the wheels off of Ryan's tiny skateboard toys and crawling around with them hidden in his cheek.  So something had to be done.
The absolute lack of respect and gratitude from everybody in this family is staggering.  I am taking care of everything and at the end of the day, I usually have to deal with Mike trying to get in my pants.  Not cool.  Not cool at all.  He doesn't get it.  Anybody else would have stolen a credit card and gone to a hotel to save their sanity.
Being in this position has made me decide to get an IUD.  I think that's the one that they implant in your arm and you can't get knocked up for 5 years.  I want that one, whatever its name is.  If I had another boy and had to deal with another man's bullshit and disgusting habits, I would probably end up on a slab of some description.
Oh well.  That's what's going on the last little while.  I am also planning a small party for Mowgli's first birthday.  I can't believe how much fun some mothers have doing this sort of thing.  I think I'd rather just rent a big bouncy castle and call it a day.  Turns out, they're not cheap.

What came first, the drinking or the blogging?  I hardly recall.

ARGH!!!

Okay.
So.
Because things aren't going as well as I would like (professionally speaking), let me just go ahead and say what needs to be said.

Kids are Assholes.

Total assholes.  They ignore you when you bark orders at them.  When you tell them to sit, they lay on their bellies and wiggle around like worms.  They hit each other.  They cheat when they play games.  They lie.  They have head lice.  They give you lip.  They make you feel like a bad guy.  They ask to go to the bathroom 10 minutes after you gave everyone a bathroom break.  They tell their parents lies and their parents believe them all, regardless of the lunacy.  They smell.  They have tangly hair.  They jump and climb all over you.  They throw things.  They don't throw out their garbage.  They can't play nice.  They don't share.  They don't take care of their things; they lose everything!  They cry at the drop of a hat.  They're manipulative.  When they're in packs, they are impossible to control.  They think they know everything, they know nothing!  they nag.

There.

Not my son, though.  No siree.

Shloppy Shloppinesh

Forgive me.
I have been sick for days.
Carter was sick too.  For one or two days.  Me?  Six days now.  And it is not letting up.  At all.  In fact, I now have an earache above all else.
But...
I did make gingerbread men and they are delicious and lovely.

So.  Because I have been sick, I have also been high on cough medicine.  I don't know if this happens to everyone, or just me, but when I take the recommended dosage of Nyquil I get loopy.  I lose track of time, lights seem so much brighter, the room starts spinning, and I have these crazy thoughts.  Mostly about dying.  Lots of thoughts of dying.  But practical thoughts.  Thoughts like, I think Carter can handle life with his dad.  Mike'll do okay.  They'll live in squallor... I'd better not die until after he turns about 3 or so... then the danger of him choking on any debris that's laying around in the squallor Mike has him living in will be remote...
And so on.
It's fun, being high on Nyquil and everything.  It's like a little nod to my past.  Ahhh, the good old days.  Only now, after the Nyquil kicks in, I can't be alone with the baby.  Just like any other creep on drugs, I must stay away from the baby when I be trippin'.
So no cough and cold medication for me today.  It's just me and the baby and later on I have to go to work.  With the new guy.  I have no idea what to expect but I do know this: he wears a sideways cap and he goes by the name Deek.
I guess we'll just have to see.
I am going to miss my former work buddy.

I lost my train of thought.
It appears that there may be a long, curly pubic hair on my keyboard.
Okay, it's gone now.
I may still be high from last night's Nyquil, the way this post is going.

I would like to point out that I never would have gotten sick if it weren't for my job.  Kids are filthy little things and when they like you, they jump and crawl all over you and breathe into your face and drool all over you and give you head lice...  shudder
I know what you're thinking, and you're right: I am a saint.  For me to be exposing myself, and my child, to the awful grimy underbelly of the elementary school environment, is above and beyond the call of duty.  And I will raise my plastic shot glass full of bright green Nyquil and cheers to that!

Down the hatch!