these days.

It took me a while to accept my place as Carter's mom.
I don't know if this is something all mothers experience or what.  Maybe I had such a hard time because the pregnancy was unplanned, and in the blink of an eye my fun-loving independent lifestyle was gone, and I was in my parents' basement with Mike.  No more independence.  No more freedom.

When Carter came along, I still tried desperately to cling to friendships with people I knew weren't going to want much to do with the new and improved me.  I guilted my old friends into spending time with me and when I went partying, all I could think was what am I doing here?  Who are these people?  But I'm entitled to have fun sometimes too.  I need to get out once in a while too.  So that's what I was doing there.  And who cares who those people were?  They were just there to make me feel like I had friends.

The truth is, I do have friends.  And I don't use them to go out and get shitfaced with me when I'm stressed out and want to feel like the old me.  I'm not the old me anymore.  I'm a better me.
And the friends that I have ask about my son.  They ask how I'm doing.  They understand that I have almost no time for anything anymore.  We don't see each other a whole lot but I know that they are there.  And when push comes to shove, I can ask them for absolutely anything.  There are only a couple of you, and I'm sure you know who you are.  So thank you for letting our friendships evolve along with myself and my new role - mommy.  It means a lot.

Going out and dancing and having some drinks is fun.  It's awesome to do once every few months or so. But I can do that with my husband.  I can do that with my sister-in-law, my brother, even my mom if I begged her long enough.  Maybe not, actually.
And even if I don't wear a dress, heels and false lashes, I still know how to have a good time.  It's just a different kind of good time these days.

Carter and I walk to Tim Hortons and sit for a while with a tea...
My family and I will go to Chapter's for a few hours.
Going to dinner at my mother-in-law's house.  Mmmm.
Car rides.  To any place.
Visiting Teaopia and choosing a few new and exciting varieties of tea...
Having a glass of wine and watching Hell's Kitchen.
Reading a really heavy book.
Making something I never thought I'd be able to - roast beef.  (It was so tasty)
Strolling around downtown Oakville.
Gelato.

This is my life now!  And it's fun, it's happy, and it's full of love.  Why the fuck did I think I needed to get drunk downtown with a bunch of strangers?!

birthday

So.
Mike, of course, spoiled me for my birthday.  He got me more special tea with the silk sachets that I love, love, love.  "Glamour Tea".  He got me the lululemon pants I have been wanting for months.  He got me an iHome player thingy for the ipod, he got me the most bee-yoo-tee-ful bouquet of flowers.  He got meeeeee a tea mug with a diffuser ("whole new world of tea", he says).  And we went out for dinner to top it all off.
Mom and I went to One Duke, and we brought the baby.  He was fantastic, we had a great time.  We also went thrift shopping but the only one who ended up getting anything was Mowgli.  I bought him some books and toys.
What a day.  I feel so loved.  And really, all I need for my birthday I got.  I need nothing more.  But, it's still going to be fun to go out for martinis tonight with Jamie.  She's special because we've been friends now for 22 years.  Long time.  So we should have a good time drinking girly drinks!  The cherry on top of it all.

In other news...
My little boy is teething up a storm.  He isn't sleeping well, he's very fussy.  We've been having a hard time.  But I remembered a gift I got for the baby before he was born.  I don't know what these things are called, but here they are:

I just stuck a chunk of banana in the little sack, shut it and froze it.  He's been loving it.  He's been quietly chomping on it for a while now and it is messy as hell.  He's making the most disgusting mess but fuck it, he's being quiet.

A mother invented this thing.  I just know it.

things that just... cheer me right up.

• Smelling the top of Carter's head.  
• Peeling the lint out of an overly filled lint trap.
• Being able to use a Q in scrabble.
• chocolate
• The smell of Vogue magazine
• The Drive-In
• "Birdhouse in your Soul" by They Might Be Giants
• Being right.  About anything.  Doesn't matter.
• Lipstick.
• A nap
• Hewitt's Dairy Bar
• Finding Nemo
• When Carter squeals at random
• pizza.
• Antidepressants!!!  
• Chapters
• A good cuddle
• Pretty things
• A cup of tea
• Finding money in the dryer
• Stealing nail polish

mum jams: so real - jeff buckley

i struggle with blog titles. how about "Organiz-a-thon 2010"

So we went to Chapters today. Chapters is even better for me, emotionally, than the mall. I have no problem admitting that spending money is extremely therapeutic for me. This is after seeing psychiatrists and being on meds. We bought a couple of things. I got a few books. And Mike bought me some Harney & Sons tea (so luxurious - tea bags made of SILK!) because he loves me, and because I love tea.

So one of the books I bought is about organizing the home. It employs the feng shui philosophy. A large part of me wants to scoff and be all like, "pfft, right. feng shui. put turkeys by the front door to bring luck. Pffffffffffffffffffft!!!" but I have to admit; When I walk into the kitchen and see an overflowing trash can, my heart does sink. When I wake up next to a teetering pile of crap I never want to get out of bed. There is a reason hotel rooms are so wonderful. No teetering stack of junk on the nightstand.

When I lived in my very own place, all by myself, my bedroom window faced east, and I only had a very sheer curtain. So when the sun rose the light always flooded into my bedroom and I always woke up feeling energized and happy. Now that we live in a feckin basement, and there isn't a single window in the bedroom, I haven't exactly been bright-eyed and bushy tailed, to say the least. Why not give the feng shui book a chance?

Anyway, it has a big section with steps on organizing and purging for each room. The idea is to get rid of a lot of stuff. I'm down with that because a) I do have a tendency to collect useless things just because they're nice to look at and b) we live in a basement at the moment. Some stuff has got to go. Today I stumbled into the dungeon and almost barfed when I saw a shriveled up dead mouse on the floor...

I'm going to start in the kitchen. I'm going to collect all of the useless canned goods that have been there all year, and whatever else we don't need and donate it all to the Welsley centre, I guess. Get rid of the star trek dishes. Reward my hard work by purchasing some nice new dishes. The end goal is to always have a 98% clear counter space. I may start tomorrow. But keep in mind: finding time to do these things isn't easy for me. I'm a very busy mommy for 21-22 hours every day. Mike always gives me a short break but I usually spend that time on the ol' macbook instead of doing anything useful.

So! Starting tomorrow (yes, I suppose I will commit to starting tomorrow) I will take you all on the journey of organizing with me. Because if I have to do it, I'm dragging all of you down with me. I will post photos and tell you how to do it yourselves, in your own homes. But like I said, that'll be tomorrow.

Right now, I am going to flip through FACEHUNTER and drink my awesome tea. Tea from a silk bag does taste better.

mum jams: Transatlanticism - Deathcab for Cutie