Bonjour, Tristesse.

The weird stuff I do when no one is home to see it:

• Drink a lot of wine while staring into a mirror.
• Make cookies. 
• Light candles and sit in the dark.
• Play French songs and sing along to them, even though I don't speak French.
• Google everyone I know.
• Eat Prosciutto with cantaloupe.
• Dance around singing "Valerie"
• Get out a poetry anthology, highlight the shit out of it, and invent new poem (Yeats + Plath = Pleats)
• Feel sorry for myself because I have no one to sit here and be weird with.
• Fight with Mike over text.
• Miss my baby
• Plan parties that will never happen
• Cut up Vogue magazines
• Apply lotion
• See how long I can go without blinking
• Worry that I am not savouring this time alone as I should be
• Eat all afore-mentioned cookies.
• Read.  Get sick of reading.  Drink more.
• Take a lot of webcam pictures

Someone Pour Me a Drink.

Sigh.

It isn't easy being me.
I get up way sooner than I would like to, every single day.  I hang out with a baby who is very hard to please all day long.  Then I go hang out with about 25 kids who bounce off the walls and cry at the drop of a hat for 2 hours.  Then I come home and cook something that requires a lot of effort and love (I have been making wonderful french meals lately), then I do all the dishes.  Then I bathe Carter.  Then I tidy up the basement and have a glass of wine and sit down for about an hour before going to bed and doing it allllllll over again.

Don't get me wrong.  I am not feeling sorry for myself.  But I will say that I am very much looking forward to Mother's Day.  I'm taking the whole day off.  And I will spend the day downtown by myself, doing whatever the hell I want.  All day long.

But for now, I am running on this hamster wheel for better or for worse.
At least I've been watching some good movies.



Above is the trailer for a movie called Helen, which I watched yesterday and cried throughout.  It was the most realistic portrayal of depression I have ever seen in a movie.  I recommend it!

these days.

It took me a while to accept my place as Carter's mom.
I don't know if this is something all mothers experience or what.  Maybe I had such a hard time because the pregnancy was unplanned, and in the blink of an eye my fun-loving independent lifestyle was gone, and I was in my parents' basement with Mike.  No more independence.  No more freedom.

When Carter came along, I still tried desperately to cling to friendships with people I knew weren't going to want much to do with the new and improved me.  I guilted my old friends into spending time with me and when I went partying, all I could think was what am I doing here?  Who are these people?  But I'm entitled to have fun sometimes too.  I need to get out once in a while too.  So that's what I was doing there.  And who cares who those people were?  They were just there to make me feel like I had friends.

The truth is, I do have friends.  And I don't use them to go out and get shitfaced with me when I'm stressed out and want to feel like the old me.  I'm not the old me anymore.  I'm a better me.
And the friends that I have ask about my son.  They ask how I'm doing.  They understand that I have almost no time for anything anymore.  We don't see each other a whole lot but I know that they are there.  And when push comes to shove, I can ask them for absolutely anything.  There are only a couple of you, and I'm sure you know who you are.  So thank you for letting our friendships evolve along with myself and my new role - mommy.  It means a lot.

Going out and dancing and having some drinks is fun.  It's awesome to do once every few months or so. But I can do that with my husband.  I can do that with my sister-in-law, my brother, even my mom if I begged her long enough.  Maybe not, actually.
And even if I don't wear a dress, heels and false lashes, I still know how to have a good time.  It's just a different kind of good time these days.

Carter and I walk to Tim Hortons and sit for a while with a tea...
My family and I will go to Chapter's for a few hours.
Going to dinner at my mother-in-law's house.  Mmmm.
Car rides.  To any place.
Visiting Teaopia and choosing a few new and exciting varieties of tea...
Having a glass of wine and watching Hell's Kitchen.
Reading a really heavy book.
Making something I never thought I'd be able to - roast beef.  (It was so tasty)
Strolling around downtown Oakville.
Gelato.

This is my life now!  And it's fun, it's happy, and it's full of love.  Why the fuck did I think I needed to get drunk downtown with a bunch of strangers?!

counting sheep

I can't sleep.  So I am resorting to blogging.  You may have noticed I have taken some more time off.  Well, I've been avoiding the computer altogether as of late.  Just seems like life was always easier when all we had was a home phone.  Now that anyone can find you anytime, anywhere, and contact you and know all about your life so easily, life is just more complicated.  Sometimes it's just nice to switch off.

The last week has been pretty nice, all in all.  I have been keeping to myself for the most part, and focussing on my new job - the funnest job ever.  Funnest isn't a word, by the way.
I get to play games with kids after school.  Little kids.  Funny little kids.  I love it.

I wish I could sleep.
I wish I had some wine.

Do you ever wonder how many people would actually be in your life if you didn't have facebook?  Would you ever hang out with 99% of the friends you have on facebook?  Not me.  Why the hell do we put ourselves out there like that?  I hate facebook.  But of course I still have it.  Stupid facebook...  if it weren't for facebook I never would have decided that I hate some of the idiots that I know.  I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing...

I just wish I could sleep.
I promise I'll be back soon, and I will be witty as ever.

There she goes again!

Believe me.  Be-lieeeeeeve me.  I always tell Mike, and myself, "No, no.  Just a couple of drinks, won't be long, tah dahling!" And Mike knows.  He knows I'm going to pour myself into bed at a completely ridiculous hour, and possibly puke all over myself, jibbering about stupid nonsense and smelling of homeless people and shawarma.  He knows me.  But he lets me go out anyway (sometimes I wish he would physically restrain me).  But, honestly, I always think I'm going to be back in a couple of hours, after just a couple of drinks, I tell myself "you don't need to prove to everybody that you can still party, you can be classy and have some wine"
Nuh-uh.
What ends up happening, every single time, is somewhat different.  And not exactly classy.
This I am telling you after maybe an hour of sleep, 3 Tylenol and with my passed out friend on my living room floor at 10 am on a Saturday.  Oh, I also have the worst breath ever right now.  And my friend is snoring like a rhino.  My headache is not gone.  Thank god Mike and the baby are gone for a couple of hours.  I need silence.  And pizza.  I have to find some pizza.
My cell phone has flown the coop.  No idea where I lost it.  Probably never going to find it.  Probably never going to get another one.  No one calls me.  It's hard to have friends when you hate talking on the phone.  Which I do.  Muchly.
What a pain in the ass I can be when I drink, too.  Nobody ever tells me, but they don't invite me out often, either.  Hmm.
My birthday's over, celebrations are over, I think today I might just die of exhaustion.  I will emerge from the ashes a beautiful phoenix and maybe I'll have a cup of earl grey.
I have to gather up my dignity and pretend I didn't pee on the floor in a gay bar last night.  And forget that I ran all over the city for no reason, losing track of everyone and not being able to phone them.  Losing your cell phone in the middle of the night?  Not good.  Not fun.
After not finding my cell phone, I ended up at Franny's.  We had a really good heart to heart.  I get that way sometimes.  I wanted to walk home.  She didn't think it was a good idea.  It would have taken hours and it was 4 am and we were in a shady neighbourhood.  Now that I'm thinking back, I hope her house didn't get broken into after we left... I'm pretty sure we just left the screen door swinging in the wind when we decided it was probably best for me to get home to my family before I got myself into any more trouble.
I need to find pizza.

plans for today

Last night was my maid of honour, Jamie's birthday party. I looked sexy. I will find photos later. Right now I am half dead after 3 hours of sleep and a severely twisted ankle from my 6 inch stilettos. I also have a big scrape on my knee. So I didn't master the shoes. Anyway I don't feel well today so I am going to spend the day doing things that make me feel better. Like:

• Soak in a bath, don't wash the hair
• put on some lashes.
• Read Vogue
• Drinks lots of tea, with lots of sugar.
• Eat some cashews
• Cuddle with Carter.
• Long nap. In underwear.
• yoga. if i can balance. i have my doubts.

I don't have much to say right now. I will be back later. After more sleep. Just wanted to check in.

mum jams: I'll Follow You Into the Dark - Deathcab for Cutie

OMG LIKE WTF

HA! So I was wondering what I was doing a year ago today, so I headed over to my old blog and looked through July 2009. Here is the entry from exactly one year ago (note: I did not know I was pregnant yet, was not engaged, lived in my own place, worked in a bar, drank a whole lot):

Riiiiight... so the concert was righteous. Didn't make the money I expected, but it was still righteous.
But that's not what we're going to write about.

I got so drunk last night that I woke up this morning with a pounding headache and no idea where my phone is (and it isn't even a cell phone).
I vaguely remember talking to Mike, but I don't remember what we talked about or anything. I also drunk dialed a few other people. So dumb. What did I say? What did I do?
Where is the phone?

There are only a few places a phone could have disappeared to. One of them is the fridge. You never know, right? Another place is behind beds, under beds, couches, behind other shit, in Breakfast's hiding spots. Nada. Where did I put the phone in my drunken stupor?

I checked the parking lot behind my building. I checked my shower. I checked the kitchen sink. This just makes zero sense to me! How could this have happened?!

So anyway, it looks like you won't be getting many calls from me, unless I hike the 3 blocks to the nearest payphone. Which I am unwilling to do. If anyone needs me, you can get me the old fashioned way. You can throw stones at my window. Not through it, though. I don't know if I got so drunk that I deserve that, necessarily. But maybe. You just never know.

Any idea where a drunken Lindsay may have put her phone??

HAHAHA! SERIOUSLY? I rule.

Random:

mum jams: reading in bed - emily haines & the soft skeleton