The Time The Dresser Fell On Carter

This morning was a morning like any other morning.  I woke up, dreading what lie ahead of me for the day.  The whining.  The refusing to eat.  The long walk to the park.  More whining.  Long walk home from the park.  More refusing to eat.  Begging for freezies.  Begging to help me with the laundry.  Throwing shit.  Drawing on shit.  Carter being Carter.  No day is ever easy, but I weather the storms like any other stay-at-home mother.  AND - say what you will, it is MUCH harder to be a stay-at-home mother than it is to be a mother who has a day job.  I just had to get that off my chest. 

So actually, all in all, the morning was going well.  Oliver was happy (Oliver is always happy) and Carter wasn't whining too much, and I was thinking about packing a picnic and heading to Gage Park with the kids and the dog.  I decided to mull it over in the shower.  I put Ollie in his crib to watch his Ocean Wonders aquarium, and Carter just had the run of the house as usual.  Cars was on.  So I have myself a shower.  I'm conditioning my hair and singing Psycho Killer, and then I hear screaming.  Not regular run-of-the-mill-Carter-being-a- shithead kind of screaming, but painful screaming.  I take a second to process the fact that I'm really wet and naked and I have no idea what's going on or where it's happening, and I just poke my head out and I notice that Oliver's dresser is... not upright. 

I make a mad dash.  I am totally naked.  Carter is wedged between Ollive's crib and dresser, and the weight of the dresser is pretty well just resting against his forehead.  I'm being calm.  I am aware that when you make a big deal out of these things, it tends to scare kids and make things a million times worse for them.  So I'm the hero.  I lift the dresser with one hand and scoop out my baby with the other.  I check him over for any serious damage.  He has a mark across his temple and his eye, it might turn into a black eye.  But he seems okay.

I, however, am not okay.

I call everyone whose number I know by heart.  My baby just got crushed by a piece of furniture and I have to get him to the hospital!  Horrible things are running through my head!  Concussions!  Internal bleeding!  Aneurisms!  Ebola!  You name it - and no one answers the phone.  I have no money for a cab and now I'm just angry because I know that certain people I've called are deliberately ignoring my call.  So I turn to facebook and make a big, embarrassing, F-bome-ridden status update that I later deleted pleading for help.  Everything is fine at this point - Carter is eating a freezie and just being a little sooky because his new jungle gym fell on him.  Shit happens.  He's being a champ about it.

But you know what happened?  My not-as-close-as-we-should-be friend Katrina called me and offered to drive us to emerge, and just check on us to see if everything's okay.  And that meant a lot to me.  And even though I'm not extending my deepest gratitude in a traditional way, I am broadcasting it on my blog and I'm sure she'll read this and know that it meant the world.  I am going to make myself a good friend to her - even if she doesn't want me to. 

And throughout the day, an outpouring of concern and similar "bad mother" stories flooded my facebook inbox, from some rather surprising sources.  And I learned a couple of valuable lessons today.

1.  Dressers should be anchored.
2.  Some family members may not answer the phone because they have a headache, or because they have the flu for the tenth time this week, or because they're scared you want to bring your busy, loud little boy over to interrupt their TV show (I'm not talking about my parents, who are wonderful grandparents who happen to be in another province today)
3.  Freezies are a magic cure-all.
4.  Support can come from unexpected places and...
5.  It's time to be a better friend.

OH!  And also,
6.  It may be better to shower before bed rather than in the mroning, because all the bad shit goes down as soon as I turn my back for 5 seconds.  Of course.

Thanks, guys.

the beach is which way?

It's 10am...
The birds are outside chirping, the sun is shining in through the window, the baby is in a great mood and I just want to go back to bed.
Fucking hell.

So, I definitely had a social life this past weekend.  I did things.  I forgot my camera, so you might just have to take my word for it.  I was around people.
Sunday, I stayed in my jamjams all day and read poetry and did some painting (some really good stuff, in my opinion - you ought to see my jellyfish...).  And I lost my incredible feeling and it was replaced by a bad feeling.  A dreadful feeling.
People let me down.  People decide all the time that they no longer want me in their lives.  I'm sure it's the same way with everyone, but I feel it so much more.  How many friends have I had that are just no longer there?  How many people have let me down?  Vanished?  Gotten up and left to do something important with their lives?  Or just decide to ignore me forever?  How many relationships just change for no reason at all?
I hate change so much.  I hate surprises.  Where did everyone go?
So even though I had a wonderful, magical weekend... it's the future that worries me.  All we have is now, is what everyone always says.. but that's not true at all.  Now is here and gone so fucking quickly that we never have Now.  It's gone before we can ever even touch it.  All we really have is the future.  That's all we have.  And the future is full of tragedies, joys, worries, new people and situations, lost friends and found friends, mysteries and problems.  More problems.  Always more problems.
I miss everyone who leaves.
But I don't think everyone who leaves misses me.


Must spend some time on the beach this summer.  Must.

Things I Wish I'd Known

• If you don't eat vegetables, you will have a hard time trying to poop.
• You can make any drink or dessert fancy and luxurious with just one thing: whipped cream.
• It's a good idea to be measured every time you go bra shopping.
• The best lipstick shades are the ones within 2 or 3 shades of your natural lip colour.
• A real friend is one you can go months without speaking with while still knowing that they think of you and love you.
• Try not to depend on anyone else unless you absolutely have no choice.
• People like you more when you don't give a shit.
• Don't trash another person when they're not around just so you can fit in - what goes around comes around.
• Everyone will disappoint you; it's important to forgive.
• Never buy something just because someone else looks great in it
• When you tolerate mistreatment, you're making yourself look like an idiot.
• Nothing is sexier than a woman who is comfortable in her clothes.
• When there is nothing else to discuss on a date - bring up Neil Young.
• You can never really know another person.
• A cup of tea can alleviate 75% of all problems.
• A glass of wine can alleviate 99%.
• You will always wish you travelled more.
• Loving yourself seems easy but will take a lifetime to truly cultivate
• When grown up problems have you miserable, read a children's book (I recommend The Little Prince)
• You may lose control over your thoughts and feelings, and you may feel hopeless and alone, but it will always pass.
• Get used to the idea of dying early on.
• If there is a God, you will not find Him in a church.
• Trust one person completely.
• Home is where you decide to make it.
• Don't abandon your hobbies, regardless of how busy you are
• Love is worth the heartbreak and experience is worth the risk of failure.
• Quality over Quantity.
• Less is always more.
• If you have to cry, go outside.
• Always carry a 20 dollar bill.
• Talk to old people, they have a lot to offer.
• You may need medication.  Take it and don't be embarrassed.
• Treat your body the way your lover treats your body.
• Mothers usually do know best.  But not always.
• Don't be so polite.  Nobody else is anyway.

authentic self.

So.
I have never really been a girls' girl.  And I've always tried so hard to be a girls' girl.  Why am I not a part of the sisterhood?  Why do women always feel so uncomfortable around me?  These questions are sort of rhetorical but also not.  I would actually like some insight into this so if you have any, please feel free to e-mail me at lindsayoquinn@gmail.com (but of course, you cannot comment on my blog because I don't want any anonymous comments anywhere in my life.  Anonymous people don't deserve to be heard.  That's why you can't comment... I know it hurts some of you, but you can blame the Anons of the world for this).
ANYWAY.
My struggle with the female race began very early on in life.  My best friend growing up was a girl named Jamie (who will love that I mentioned her, I'm sure).  And she was always a girls' girl.  She made friends so easily (still does) and I always got jealous and tried to convince her to just be mine.  She was loyal for a very long time but I just got exhausted constantly having to prove I could be everything to her so that she wouldn't want any other friends (much like how I ruined many relationships with men in my past, actually, come to think of it...).  It's not as if I never tried to have girlfriends.  But I could never do the hand-clappy games, I could never jump rope.  I was also kind of a dirty kid; like running around the neighbourhood in my bare feet kind of kid.  Girls always thought I was weird.  That really hurt my feelings.  And then in elementary school the most popular and pretty girl in the school saw me picking my nose and eating it in the library and that just completely blew my chances of having girlfriends for the next 5 years.  Don't judge me, I know you did it as a kid too.
Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned the booger-eating, but whatever.
So I was a lonely little girl, and I used to comb the hair of my troll dolls in a corner on the playground because I just didn't have friends, but wanted to look as if I was too busy to care (which I wasn't doing well at all).  And then I got into middle school and instead of bothering with girlfriends, I just started having boyfriends.  Everyone told me I shouldn't bother having boyfriends until I was all grown up, but I didn't listen and so I spent almost every day from the age of 12 to 22 having boyfriends.  I wonder why boyfriends always came so easy to me while girls remained aliens in my world.
High school proved to be every bit as difficult.  Try as I might, I just couldn't relate to most girls.  The most popular girls in my grade showed interest in letting me into their circle, and I blew that by trying too hard.  I knew I was trying too hard, and tried not to try so hard, ended up making myself look like a total retard and then that was a wash, not surprisingly.  I remember one particular time when I repeated something I read in a Cosmo magazine.  Something about having to shave your armpits in all directions to really get all the hair, and the beautiful girl with a million friends I told this to just looked at me like I was a 4 year old and said "yeah?"
yeah.
As much as all of this used to bother me, keep me up nights and dreading every monday morning, I think it was good for me.  I always had at least a couple of friends, and I've never really been good at nurturing my existing friendships as it was and really couldn't handle anything more, anyway.  But as I grew up I slowly developed a sense of self.  In between boyfriends and trying to be just like all the girls that I knew and admired most, of course.
But now, at the age of 24, I have finally become my unflinchingly authentic self.  I know who I am, who I want to be and who I want to be around.  I wish it hadn't taken so long.  But it did.

If I could just go back and change anything, I would have just not bothered with all the boyfriends.  Ew.

Old Friends.

So.
Sometimes I can be a bit of a misanthropist.  Heavy misanthropist.  You've learned that about me by now, surely.
I don't make friends easily.  The ones I have had have been exceptional.  Every good friend I've had has been exceptional in some way, and that's a prerequisite for being close to me: I have to admire you.  I live to be inspired and enchanted and I like to surround myself with people who encourage me to be more.  But I do lose touch with a lot of friends after a while.  Friends are even harder to keep than they are to make.  Friendships require upkeep that I usually just can't be bothered with.  And I'm great at blaming other people for my own negligence.
So when I lost touch with a friend of mine and 2 years later she wants to get together for some coffee, I'm all like ?????... but I went.  I had tea.  Conversation was easier than I expected and I no longer find her to be insufferably disillusioned about herself.  That used to drive me completely insane.  But we have both grown up, evidently; I had a wonderful time reconnecting with her.
It's easy to write people off once you lose touch, and not want to resurrect some dead thing that died for a good reason, a long time ago.  I would never have initiated this date.
It makes me wonder about all of the other exceptional people I was once close to.  Laura?  Where are you?  Brittany?  What happened to everybody?!
My old friend I went out with today is still exceptional.  She has paintings of vaginas on her walls and handfuls of condoms at her front door.  She never wears a bra and she is covered with tattoos.  I find her even more fascinating than I did before we lost touch.

So maybe it's not so bad: beating the dead horse.  Maybe it was all my fault and I missed you all along.  I don't know.  I just know I need to put forth a little more effort when it comes to the ones I love, who hang on by a thread while I live my life so far from theirs...

these days.

It took me a while to accept my place as Carter's mom.
I don't know if this is something all mothers experience or what.  Maybe I had such a hard time because the pregnancy was unplanned, and in the blink of an eye my fun-loving independent lifestyle was gone, and I was in my parents' basement with Mike.  No more independence.  No more freedom.

When Carter came along, I still tried desperately to cling to friendships with people I knew weren't going to want much to do with the new and improved me.  I guilted my old friends into spending time with me and when I went partying, all I could think was what am I doing here?  Who are these people?  But I'm entitled to have fun sometimes too.  I need to get out once in a while too.  So that's what I was doing there.  And who cares who those people were?  They were just there to make me feel like I had friends.

The truth is, I do have friends.  And I don't use them to go out and get shitfaced with me when I'm stressed out and want to feel like the old me.  I'm not the old me anymore.  I'm a better me.
And the friends that I have ask about my son.  They ask how I'm doing.  They understand that I have almost no time for anything anymore.  We don't see each other a whole lot but I know that they are there.  And when push comes to shove, I can ask them for absolutely anything.  There are only a couple of you, and I'm sure you know who you are.  So thank you for letting our friendships evolve along with myself and my new role - mommy.  It means a lot.

Going out and dancing and having some drinks is fun.  It's awesome to do once every few months or so. But I can do that with my husband.  I can do that with my sister-in-law, my brother, even my mom if I begged her long enough.  Maybe not, actually.
And even if I don't wear a dress, heels and false lashes, I still know how to have a good time.  It's just a different kind of good time these days.

Carter and I walk to Tim Hortons and sit for a while with a tea...
My family and I will go to Chapter's for a few hours.
Going to dinner at my mother-in-law's house.  Mmmm.
Car rides.  To any place.
Visiting Teaopia and choosing a few new and exciting varieties of tea...
Having a glass of wine and watching Hell's Kitchen.
Reading a really heavy book.
Making something I never thought I'd be able to - roast beef.  (It was so tasty)
Strolling around downtown Oakville.
Gelato.

This is my life now!  And it's fun, it's happy, and it's full of love.  Why the fuck did I think I needed to get drunk downtown with a bunch of strangers?!

6 Types of Toxic Friends and How to Deal with Them - From iVillage.

I needed some advice.

1. The Promise Breaker
This friend constantly disappoints you or breaks promises, most likely because she herself was constantly disappointed during her formative years. Your friend is unable to stop herself from repeating that pattern. It is an annoying but comfortable pattern for your friend, and without psychological help, it may be hard for her or him to alter this pattern. You could abandon the friend and the friendship, or you could find a way to detach yourself by lowering your expectations for this friendship. If she promises to do something for you, even to meet you for a cup of coffee, you can say, "Sure," but protect yourself by knowing, in the back of your mind, that this friend "nine times out of 10" is going to cancel on you.

Although your friend may always have been this way, she may have also recently acquired this trait because of something she is going through right now. If a friend who has always been there for you, through thick and thin, has only recently become less reliable, you might want to cut her some slack. You have to decide if this is a lifelong trait that will be hard or impossible to change, a temporary condition that will be short-lived, or something, if it does continue indefinitely, that you are willing to accept and handle.

One way to try to change the Promise Breaker is to help her to understand the consequences of your ignored pledges. Perhaps you have been keeping your disappointments about this to yourself. Try telling her how it makes you feel. "Of course, I'll understand that you're not in the mood to drive over, but I was really looking forward to our visit." Perhaps she is unaware that this is a pattern rather than an isolated incident. "Yes, of course, I understand, but do you realize this is the fourth time in as many weeks that you've backed out on something you promised to do with me?"

If you want to continue your friendship with the Promise Breaker, make sure you reconfirm any plans at least once or even right before you are supposed to meet. If you have a cell phone or beeper, make sure your friend is able to contact you so at least you won't be left waiting if, once again, she cancels a meeting. Have "back-up" for any promises your friend makes; at least if the Promise Breaker disappoints you again, you won't be as inconvenienced by it.

The next time she promises something, try saying, "Yeah, right." When she gets angry at your sarcasm, explain that you are simply pointing out her habit of breaking her promises. Then reframe it in a more positive vein by saying, "Prove me wrong. This time, keep your promise."

2. The Double-crosser
This negative friend betrays you big-time. It could happen when someone does something to hurt you, such as spreading a malicious rumor about you. Or it could be an emotional double-cross; for example, when a close or best friend stops speaking to you and you never find out why. That's what happened to Jill, who is now 47. Although angry words were never exchanged between Jill and her friend, the silence, the betrayal of their commitment to be friends and to share, was just as real as any harmful action. Jill explains:

"She was the only real friend I ever had. I didn't make friends easily. I wasn't allowed to have friends. When I got to high school, I met Dale and we became very close. The one time I ran away, I ran to her house. It was a very special friendship. We went to nursing school together. Then one day she met another girl.... About a week later, she stopped speaking to me. I'd call her; she'd hang up on me. I'd write to her; she'd return the letters, unopened."

Ten years later, they resumed their friendship, although they still have never discussed why Dale stopped calling. The wounds from her friend's emotional double-crossing are there, however. "We're close, but not as close," Jill explains. But then she qualifies her description of her friendship with Dale as "close." "For me, for the type of person I am, it's close. For somebody like my sister, it's not close."

The double-cross could be something even more concrete, like the betrayal experienced by 43-year-old Susan, a homemaker. Susan was betrayed by a married close family friend who was attracted to her sister:

"He continued to express his desire and love for her, and when she insisted that he put an end to the numerous phone messages at her office and she told him of her disgust at this attitude, he turned around and told his wife that my sister was coming on to him. It was a real fatal attraction. I personally phoned him and ended our friendship. I'm talking real betrayal. Our family felt totally betrayed by this man, whom we had all known since childhood."

Susan shares other betrayals, by another friend: "One of my girlfriends is now using my sister and myself as an alibi while she carries on extramarital affairs. This is very upsetting. She has also repeated some things to another friend which were said to her in confidence." This second friend is putting Susan in a compromising position, and possibly even an ethical bind, over the cover-up of her extramarital affairs. By blabbing privileged information, she is also acting like the Discloser (described below).

The Double-crosser may have some real emotional issues that need to be addressed if you are to continue a friendship with her. If your friend was betrayed by a parent or sibling during her formative years, she may have a need to repeat that behavior with her friends. The betrayal could have been as subtle as being disappointed by her parents or as blatant as being the victim of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse. Your friend may need outside help to reverse the cycle she is in, of doing to others what was done to her.

If you have been double-crossed by a particular friend, you may want to consider ending the friendship. If you have not been directly harmed by this friend but have evidence that she has hurt others, you have to decide if you are risking too much by maintaining the friendship.

If you do decide to walk away from this friendship, do it in a low-key way that avoids incurring the wrath of the Double-crosser. You do not want to be her or his next victim.

3. The Self-absorbed
Certainly the Self-absorbed is a tamer type of negative friend than the Risk-taker. Still, especially over the long haul, a friend who does not make the time to listen to you will eat away at your self-esteem. For you to feel good about yourself, and for your friendship to thrive, you have to be more than a sounding board. The Self-absorbed does not care; she listens to you only because she is waiting to speak.

Self-absorbed chatter is a way of covering up an inability to tolerate silence which some, especially those who have intimacy problems, may find excruciating. You may ask your friend to try to become more aware that she is talking non-stop, and about herself, when it's really a nervous habit designed to fill up the time and space. Could your friend learn to relax more? Enjoy silence? Learn how to ask questions so that you don't feel like a dumping ground?

Once again, is this a trait your friend is aware of and choosing to ignore, or is she unaware of it but once aware of it, she will be capable of changing it? If change is not possible, is there enough that is positive about this friendship that you are willing to continue it even if it is decidedly lopsided?

Perhaps, in a gentle and non-offensive way, you could ask the Self-absorbed friend if she seems to notice that the give-and-take is unequal, that she shares more about her life than you get to share about yours.

With the Self-absorbed friend, you might want to plan an activity to share that minimizes this problem, such as playing tennis, going to the movies, or taking a class. You might want to carefully consider sitting next to the Self-Absorbed on a five-hour train ride or having lengthy meals together, just the two of you. As with the One-upper, whose profile revolves around excessive jealousy, involving more friends with the Self-absorbed might help to offset her nervousness as well as create some additional 'air times' that will even out the balance of power.

4. The Discloser
When you say to this friend, "This is just between us," she nods her head but unfortunately that promise will last only as long as it takes her to get to her phone or e-mail. Although there should be an assumption of confidentiality and trust between friends, this friend can't help herself. Telling this person a secret makes her feel vulnerable and uncomfortable. Like the game "hot potato," she has to pass the hot secret along to someone else in order to relieve the anxiety knowing the secret made her feel. There are also some Disclosers who simply have a big mouth. If someone you know has this personality trait, avoid telling her your innermost secret -- unless you don't mind if it's shared with the world.

This friend quickly gets a reputation for being a gossip. Unfortunately, there may be some secondary gains to having that distinction. Maybe the primary friend is annoyed by the betrayal and the secret sharing, but everyone else, including other friends, may be delighted by the confidential information that is being shared.

You also have to be sure that your friend understands that you consider the information that you are sharing should always be confidential or secret. Spreading the news that you just got a raise or are expecting a child may seem like information that is fair game for retelling. If it is something you do not want retold, or if you want to be the one retelling it, let your friend know before you mislabel her the Discloser.

How do you know if someone will betray your confidence? If you suspect someone has this trait, share an unimportant secret that you could live with her spreading and see how fast or widespread the confidence is shared.

If you suspect that your friend is unaware that he or she discloses secrets, start by bringing this behavior out in the open. Pick a specific instance when your friend revealed a confidence, and see if he or she acknowledges his or her transgression. Does he or she apologize? Does he or she deny doing it? Does he or she ask your forgiveness, explaining that he or she was unaware the information was privileged?

If you suspect your friend is incapable of changing this pattern and you want to maintain the friendship, protect yourself by being more careful about exactly what information you share. You might also want to reconsider the level of intimacy for this friendship; if you want to maintain your relationship, perhaps it should be on a less frequent or less confidential basis.

5. The Competitor
A little bit of competition is healthy and to be expected. An appropriate amount of competition will motivate and stimulate. But too much competition between friends starts to destroy the friendship. One of the primary ingredients in a positive friendship is that one or both friends feel that they can be "themselves" and that they don't have to put on airs or impress one another. Competition implies a race in which one wins and the other loses; those conditions are quite the opposite of what someone typically expects in a positive friendship, especially a close or best one.

Friends who are competitors probably compete in every area of their lives and find it difficult or impossible to ease up even when it comes to close or best friends. They may compete at work, at school, and even in community affairs. They may be in competition with their spouses or romantic partners, or even with their parents or their children, The Competitor may find this distinctive personality trait hard or impossible to change or eradicate.

You can help the situation, however, by trying to avoid setting up overly competitive situations. For instance, if you share about a success in your personal life or career, especially if you ease into bragging, you may be unwittingly setting off an "I'll show you" reaction.

Helping to heighten the Competitor's awareness about this tendency might help her to deal with this proclivity. If you do want to share something that you think will propel her into a "me too" reaction, you could preface your comments with, "Let me just share something with you without it having anything to do with you, okay?"

The onus for changing the Competitor's behavior, however, is on her; developing a better self-image will diminish her need to compete with everything you say or do.

If you wish to stay friends with the Competitor, you may have to be willing to listen to her brags and boasts far more often than you can share your own.

6. The Fault-finder
Nothing you do, say, or wear is good enough for this overly critical friend. The Fault-finder was probably raised by extremely judgmental parents who were also rearing equally hypercritical siblings. Being criticized during her formative years laid the groundwork for an overly critical adult. It's a hard trait to reverse, and your friend may even be unaware that she is so critical or that it annoys and upsets you so much. Before labeling this type of friendship as hopelessly destructive, you might want to see if your friend could recognize this excessively derogatory behavior and, with time and help, change that orientation. Otherwise, you may decide that you just have to accept this trait in your friend and realize that it reflects on her, not on you or your friendship.

If you value this friend and want to try to maintain the friendship despite the Fault-finder's criticisms, try sharing with him or her how his or her behavior makes you feel. "I know you like me, and I know you may not even mean to make me feel bad, but when you find fault in everything I say or do, it makes me feel bad about myself." He or she might get defensive, even saying it's "your problem," not his or hers. But if you emphasize how the Fault-finder's behavior impacts on you, it may help him or her to reassess what he or she is saying or doing without having to be "right." Furthermore, by sharing how it makes you feel, you may be less resentful if you decide you are willing to put up with the Fault-finder.

However, if you are at your wit's end and willing to try one more thing before calling it quits, try finding fault in the Fault-finder. Those who criticize and find fault are often unable to take it from others. If you do criticize the Fault-finder, it may break the spell of negativity that is now allowing this friend to say and do anything toward you. When the shoe is on the other foot, she may suddenly have an "ah-ha" awareness of what it feels like to others. But beware: The Fault-finder might cut off your friendship forever rather than deal with your criticisms or even try to understand the larger message you are trying to convey.

Read more: http://www.ivillage.com/6-types-toxic-friends-and-how-you-can-deal-them/4-a-283671#ixzz16aqufGXx
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I Deleted Facebook!

I've had a lot of time for reflection lately.
I got a new job and it made me happier (which I didn't think would happen).  When I leave for those few hours ever day, I get on the bus alone.  I ride around listening to Regina Spektor on my ipod.  And then I hang out with some happy little children before going home to spend the evening with my little family.  Gone just long enough to miss them, and no longer.  It's the happiest I have been in years.  Considerably happier than when I was bar tending, or waitressing, or getting drunk and coming home alone.
It can get easy - especially when you have social anxiety coupled with clinical depression - to shut yourself away and never put yourself out there because it scares you.  And as happy as I would be to just spend the rest of my life at home with my baby, I realize now that eventually the little light would have gone out.  The little light that awesome people have inside of them.  Yeah, I just called myself awesome.  Get over it.  I am.

I think the most miserable thing about working in bars would have to be that anybody who hangs out in bars enough for a bar tender or waitress to know personal details about them, is just pathetic.  Hear me out - I enjoy being a regular at a cute little wine bar as much as the next gal, but never alone and never for more than a couple of drinks.  Bar flies are lacking in the things that fuel my very spirit: inspiration and beauty.  My few days of intense reflection have resulted in an epiphany: I need to be surrounded by people with a little light within.  Hence the children at the after-school program.  Kids always have a little light.

So if there is anything I want for Carter, it is for him to nourish his soul.  To keep inspiration close at hand and to never shut himself away from beautiful things just because there is so much ugly in the world - and there is SO much ugly in the world.  But a glass of wine over funny stories shared with a missed friend, or an unexpected phone call from across the country from someone you love, that good stuff is worth treading through life's disgustinghatesludge for.

OH MY GOD WHERE HAVE I BEEN?!

I know, I know.  I'm not even going to make any excuses this time; I just fucked off for a week because I had nothing to say.  Let's just call it a mental health week.  And I still don't have much to say, but I'm forcing myself to blog today because I don't want to get too comfortable with not blogging, because whenever that happens I just stop entirely and have to start all over again when I do feel like it.  HOLY RUN ON SENTENCE.
So.
This one time, in second grade, all the cool girls had sticker albums.  I had a stupid ghetto one with stickers that all came from the dollar store instead of the cooler, more expensive kind that you got near the check out at Canadian Tire.  (You know what I'm talking about, ladies).
Because I had such a shitty little sticker collection, I had to get creative when it came to acquiring some smelly stickers, or fuzzy ones, or bubble ones, or anything that wasn't a GOOD JOB smiley face sticker, which I had in excess.
Why am I talking about my 2nd grade sticker album, you ask?
Well I have been thinking about friendships lately.  I have been thinking about all the ways in which I could be more nurturing to the friends that I have.  So I have had to re-evaluate the ways in which I have been, for lack of a better word, negligent.
So when I had to get creative about getting new stickers I usually stole them when the owner of the sticker book left it unattended or I would beg.
There was this one sticker.  It was a bunch of grapes and it was brand new, it still had tons of smell left in it.  And smelly stickers were the rarest and I love the smell of artificial grapes!  I had to have it.
The owner was a girl named Trisina, who always ate disgusting shit at lunch time to get attention (like putting her entire lunch in a glass of water, stirring it up real good and then drinking it) and she was the first girl that I ever knew who kissed a boy.  She got the sticker from another girl, Monica, who was my best friend at the time.  She was Czech and had always written really stupid looking lower-case R's, I remember like it was yesterday.
In order to get this grape sticker, I begged.  Please, please, please, please, pleeeeeeeeeease?
Trisina said no.
But you have, like, 6 other smelly ones
Trisina said no.
Please?  I'll be your best friend!!!
(I have no idea why in the hell I would offer that up as a reasonable trade.  Even today I find it hard to believe that my friendship is worth more to anyone than a grape scented sticker.  Just kiddin')
Anyway, Trisina laughed and I didn't get the sticker.  So I told the teacher.  She didn't give a shit.  I pouted for the rest of the day.

The next day, after show and tell, Monica and Trisina were sitting next to each other.  Or, rather, Trisina had stolen my spot.  The bitch.  So I confronted Monica and she told me that she and Trisina had decided to be best friends.  WHY!  I never found out why.  And I don't remember if their friendship lasted or if I ever got Monica back on Team Lindsay.  Childhood memories always stop somewhere.  But the important thing is that I learned a valuable lesson that day.  Friendship is not some tangible, unimportant thing that you can trade for stickers.  People value stickers more.  And no one likes being dropped as a best friend.  Especially for the slutty girl who drank liquid ham sandwiches.

I guess what I am trying to say is this:
I love you guys.  And all the grape smelly stickers in the world wouldn't make me forsake you.  Now let's get together and get drunk!